I found this in my files this morning, a reread it. It's been nearly two years since I wrote it, but as I read it I find these truths still true, though circumstances are different. I've learned so much and grown since I wrote this, but I want to share a piece of my heart with y'all.
I wrote this when I was full time staff with PhotoGenX in 2012, based in Kona Hawaii.
I hope the Lord speaks to you as much as he did me.
(((So this week has been one of the heaviest/hardest weeks that I could have asked for.
Since being here [Kona], my heart has been so broken. Broken for myself. Broken for my friends at home. Broken for a boy. But then this week my heart broke in a new way.
This week was “Pure Heart” week in the Fire & Fragrance DTS, and Jonathan asked us to sit in on it. I was stoked, because I’d love to be a part of F&F, so any opportunity I can I want to take part in what the Lord is doing in that school
It was very similar to Kairos, in that it primarily dealt with Inner Healing.
The thing that broke my heart was on Wednesday. They dealt with the wounding that we’ve gotten from the people in our lives, men, women, friends, enemies. Since we were a part of the week I wanted to make sure that we participated in all aspects, so when it came time for ministry, I participated in RECEIVING ministry.
As I stood among 50 women who were bawling their eyes out because of these wounds that had been received, because of wounds that they had used to define their character and identity, I began to cry.
I cried because I know Jesus in a way that these girls don’t. I know Him as my lover, I know Him as my Knight in shining armor, I know Him as my intimate partner, I know him as the ULTIMATE, RIGHT, PERFECT LOVER. He knows what breaks my heart. HE knows the desires of my heart
I’ve been feeling this overwhelming thing in my heart. I’ve felt like my heart is so swollen that it would burst. I thought, if this is what heart break feels like, I’m so sorry to my Jesus who’s heart breaks for us everyday. Who we wound day in and day out because we don’t seek Him out in everything we do, because we don’t walk with Him.
I’ve repented so many times this week. I don’t know how many times I’ve written in my journal that “ MY HEART HURTS.”
I’ve been here in Kona for three weeks and my heart has broken every singles day.
Yesterday (February 3, 2012) We were in the prayers room with f&F and I knew God wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what it was. As I stood and worshipped I began to cry.
Tears flowed because my heart was breaking again. And while it broke and I cried, and I fought with the Lord. I hate crying in front of people. For some reason I see crying as a sign of weakness and I’ve always been the strong person. There’s more to this story that I will type because it is good, and God. But the biggest thing He said to me was
“You don’t have to be strong, because I AM.” )))