To say that this last week started a little rough would be an understatement. Now by no means was it earth-shattering bad new, like some of my teammates received, it was just a crappy start to my week, nothing in particular except maybe not super excited about corporate lecture.
So, Tuesday morning rolls around. And I'm feeling especially homesick this day. I'm not really sure why, but I was.
We started each corporate lecture with corporate praise and worship. YAY! I love this stuff. I tried to engage. And I tried again. And again. And again. Finally I just had to sit down and be still (Ps. 46:10). The moment I walked to the concrete wall and slid down, placing my bum on the floor, all I wanted was a hug from my dad. Like, if I had $1,200 just laying around I would have bought a round trip ticket home just to hug my daddy.
Gradually I felt the tears well-up in me. Now, I hate to let people see me cry. I know that it happens, and sometimes I can't stop it, but I will do everything in my power to prevent the sight of tears in my eyes to anyone around me. So I buried my head in my knees and arms and began to cry. The Lord knew where my heart was, He knew where my mind was, and He knew what my heart desired most at that time.
Almost instantaneously someone touched me. Not like, bumped into me.But very intentionally placed their hand on my head, gentle, yet firm. And exactly what I needed. I looked up to see who it was, and through blurred vision I was able to recognize the face, and see a smile, and a wave as they passed on by.
This person never would have known what that meant to me, had I not shared it with them a little later in the week. When I told him this, his response was something along the lines of "I don't even know why I did that, it just happened" I laughed to myself, because by this time I had figured out why. The things the Lord showed me through that gentle/firm touch carried me through the week, and I would honestly still say that I am riding that high.
I then heard the worship leader begin to tell a story. He spoke of his little girls, and how he loves to listen to them. Even when they're talking nonsense. He loves to listen to them sing their songs. Then it hit me. He LOVES it when I speak. He LOVES it when I sing to Him. Even when I'm complaining He loves it. Now there are definitely times that I need to shut my mouth and let Him speak, but for some reason, somewhere along the way something shifted. I stopped talking. Both internally and externally. So when I sat down and said "God, I just need a touch. I need a physical, present symbol of both You and my earthly dad." Next thing I know there is a gentle, loving hand on my head. It was God's way of telling me "I heard you, I hear you. and I will give you the desire's of your heart. (Ps. 37:4)"
In processing this moment, I was reading this awesome book, and from it I pulled this quote "Like Judo, which utilizes the strength and size of opponents against themselves, Satan uses our greatest strength against us." (Think Differently, Live Differently by Bob Hamp) So between all of these events happening I realized something.
I have been silent for far too long.
I have been afraid that the things coming out of my mouth are irrelevant, inadequate, and not good enough. I keep my mouth shut because I believed the lie that no one cared what I had to say, and that I had nothing valuable to say or contribute. Now, I realize that everything I just typed in the above is a lie. But it is a lie that I believed for far too long.
The Enemy is AFRAID when I open my mouth. He knows his kingdom will fall when my mouth is open, because of the truth I can and will speak.
All that from a simple touch.
