jillianwrites

a simple touch

2011-05-02T23:07:00.001-07:00

To say that this last week started a little rough would be an understatement. Now by no means was it earth-shattering bad new, like some of my teammates received, it was just a crappy start to my week, nothing in particular except maybe not super excited about corporate lecture.

So, Tuesday morning rolls around. And I'm feeling especially homesick this day. I'm not really sure why, but I was.

We started each corporate lecture with corporate praise and worship. YAY! I love this stuff. I tried to engage. And I tried again. And again. And again. Finally I just had to sit down and be still (Ps. 46:10). The moment I walked to the concrete wall and slid down, placing my bum on the floor, all I wanted was a hug from my dad. Like, if I had $1,200 just laying around I would have bought a round trip ticket home just to hug my daddy.

Gradually I felt the tears well-up in me. Now, I hate to let people see me cry. I know that it happens, and sometimes I can't stop it, but I will do everything in my power to prevent the sight of tears in my eyes to anyone around me. So I buried my head in my knees and arms and began to cry. The Lord knew where my heart was, He knew where my mind was, and He knew what my heart desired most at that time.

Almost instantaneously someone touched me. Not like, bumped into me.But very intentionally placed their hand on my head, gentle, yet firm. And exactly what I needed. I looked up to see who it was, and through blurred vision I was able to recognize the face, and see a smile, and a wave as they passed on by.

This person never would have known what that meant to me, had I not shared it with them a little later in the week. When I told him this, his response was something along the lines of "I don't even know why I did that, it just happened" I laughed to myself, because by this time I had figured out why. The things the Lord showed me through that gentle/firm touch carried me through the week, and I would honestly still say that I am riding that high.

I then heard the worship leader begin to tell a story. He spoke of his little girls, and how he loves to listen to them. Even when they're talking nonsense. He loves to listen to them sing their songs. Then it hit me. He LOVES it when I speak. He LOVES it when I sing to Him. Even when I'm complaining He loves it. Now there are definitely times that I need to shut my mouth and let Him speak, but for some reason, somewhere along the way something shifted. I stopped talking. Both internally and externally. So when I sat down and said "God, I just need a touch. I need a physical, present symbol of both You and my earthly dad." Next thing I know there is a gentle, loving hand on my head. It was God's way of telling me "I heard you, I hear you. and I will give you the desire's of your heart. (Ps. 37:4)"

In processing this moment, I was reading this awesome book, and from it I pulled this quote "Like Judo, which utilizes the strength and size of opponents against themselves, Satan uses our greatest strength against us." (Think Differently, Live Differently by Bob Hamp) So between all of these events happening I realized something.

I have been silent for far too long.

I have been afraid that the things coming out of my mouth are irrelevant, inadequate, and not good enough. I keep my mouth shut because I believed the lie that no one cared what I had to say, and that I had nothing valuable to say or contribute. Now, I realize that everything I just typed in the above is a lie. But it is a lie that I believed for far too long.

The Enemy is AFRAID when I open my mouth. He knows his kingdom will fall when my mouth is open, because of the truth I can and will speak.

All that from a simple touch.

I love You, Jesus!

2011-04-29T13:54:00.000-07:00

I would be lying if I told you guys I was excited about lecture this week. I was NOT looking forward to sitting in the Ohana Court for 4 hours listening to old people talk. (Even if it was Loren and Darlene Cunningham, the founders of YWAM) Because of that I did not come into this week as engaged as I wish I had.

God did get my attention though. It started with a single touch. (Which is another blog all in itself and I promise that its coming this weekend!) And with that I was able to be present and engaged and not napping like some of my teammates ;)

David Hamilton came up and spoke yesterday, I don't remember exactly what he said (don't judge me!) BUT I do remember the application time. David asked us if God had ever blessed us. Well, DUH! Yeah He has. He (David) then asked us how many times He had blessed us. 5? 10? 25? 50? 100? 1000? 5000? Then he gave us 5 minutes to wrote down as many blessings and we could in that time. Every 5th blessing he asked us to yell out "I LOVE YOU JESUS!"

That sounded really corny and not appealing to me. I wrote my blessings. and silently in my head told the Lord that I loved Him after I wrote the next 5th blessing. I stopped for a minute and just listened to all the people proclaiming their love for our Lord after writing down 5 blessings. There are about two hundred and thirty people present, and of course there are a few people, like me, who would rather proclaim this in their head that out loud (that is something the Lord is working on in me).

I was completely overwhelmed! i love you jesus. I love you Jesus! I LOVE you Jesus! I LOVE YOU Jesus! I LOVE YOU JESUS! over and over and over and over and over again.

When our time expired we averaged the number of blessings that we had written down. The average was about 35. Let do some math here: 35 x 230 = 8,050. EIGHT THOUSAND AND FIFTY BLESSINGS SITTING IN ONE ROOM. After FIVE minutes!! How incredible is that?!??

How much more does our God want to bless us!? How much more abundantly does He want to LOVE us, and PROVIDE for us?! God softly spoke to my heart of the things that He wanted and desired for me! That was even more overwhelming!

Plans to prosper me, not to Harm me! To give me a future and a Hope! (Jer. 29:11)"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." (Ps 27:14) "But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble. And the LORD shall help them and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him." (Ps 37:39-40) "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." (Is 41:10) "... If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you." (Matt 17:20) "And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks, finds; and to him that knock it shall be opened." Luke 11:9-10

Is that really you, God? (A book review) Sorta...

2011-04-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

SPOILER ALERT!

If you WANT to read "Is that really you, God?" by Loren Cunningham, don't read any further, because I'm about to ruin it all for you! ;)

Okay, now onto the spoiling...

The last two weeks I have progressively made my way through the book Is that really you, God? by Loren Cunningham. I'm not gonna lie, I thought I was back it high school with assigned readings, and a book report due that would just seem to drag on and on and on. As I read the book, if became less of a duty and more of an enjoyment. I loved reading the stories of Loren's visions over the years of YWAM, from the initial vision of waves of young people, even to the fulfillment of having a ship (SO COOL!) I head a few people complain that there was too much background of Loren's coming of age, and learning to really hear the voice of the Lord from a young age, and the legacy that he was brought up under. [Plus, can I say how stinking cool it is to see Loren, Darlene, and Mama Cunningham hear on campus on Thursday nights!] I thought it was incredibly vital to the value of the story, and so… yeah.

Watching, hearing, reading the stories of God's faithfulness, visions, provisions was really amazing! I've got so many stories of His provision for me, and I can spout them off to you one after another, so it was SO COOL to read of His faithfulness for the man and woman that brought YWAM to the fruition that we see today.

Loren's obedience in this process was incredible to read about, reading about him recognizing the Lord's voice in visions, dreams, etc. Things that would be so hard for ME to lay down! For example the Maori ship in New Zealand, to be that close to something that I believe the Lord had told me to do, to have my own pride, and my own self get in the way of letting Him do a work in me and through me, then to make me lay it down.

I don't know that I would have.

I think the other thing that I liked about the book too was to see how Loren constantly referred to Darlene, from the frumpy dress up until the end of the book, you could HEAR and SEE his love for the woman that the Lord had placed in his life. I loved the mention of the Taj Mahal and the symbolism that it carried for him in the process of pursuit and knowing the Darlene was the one who would partner with him in this incredible adventure.

You don't ever recognize the impact that a book like that can have on your own life, until you realize that the thing you were just reading was in your hands because of the authors obedience. Because he was obedient I am currently sitting in the Cafe of the University of the Nations, in Kona, Hawaii, in the middle of the pacific ocean.

(I know that I've said "cool" a lot in this post, but)

THAT'S SO AMAZINGLY COOL.

I have a secret... Dreams really do come true!

2011-04-21T00:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I learned some very cool information. I will inform you of this information at the end of this blog, but DON'T skip ahead! The journey is so important and I don't want you to miss out!

When I began this YWAM journey, I knew there was an outreach portion, but I didn't really know, or, honestly, really CARE where I would go. I just wanted to GO! The last time I was out of the country, I was in Israel (which was AWESOME!). But that was nearly 4 years ago, and so I had THE bug.

You know, the itch. The TRAVEL itch.

I had been dying to scratch that itch, but the closest I got to somewhat satisfying that were a couple visits to my favorite little town in Colorado.

The whole time that we have been here, our staff had constantly been asking us, the students. where in the WORLD we wanted to go. My answer was always "I don't really care, I just want to go." But apparently that wasn't going to cut it for them. So my second answer was "If I had to choose I would choose either South Africa or the Philippines" and all of the leaders would nod their heads and smile, because they couldn't even tell us what the options were. (And don't you know we were all DYING to know what our options were!) We, the students, constantly rolled our eyes (or maybe that was just me?) when I would get asked that question!

So we have been here 2 weeks as of tomorrow and had no clues until this past Monday what our options were. Our options were:

East Asia
Philippines (Remember this is one that I had said originally when asked 'the' question)
Cambodia
Mozambique
Japan&Thailand
South Africa (Also one of my answers to 'the' question)

We have been practicing hearing God, so Monday afternoon we were sent out for about 45 minutes to pray, research, and make phone calls if we so desired.

Let's back track a few days, to last Wednesday night. I had a dream that night that I went to South Africa on my outreach with a particular person on the staff. I wrote it in my journal, and kept it to myself. That Thursday afternoon we, as a school, as PhotogenX, gathered in the prayer room, and prayed. When we went into the room we weren't really sure what to expect, turns out we were praying for Child Headed Homes in, you guessed it, South Africa.

To me this was very much a confirmation of the place I believed I was supposed to go, but I had no clue if it was even an option!

Fast forward back to Monday. When they sent us out in order to pray. I KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW DEEEEEEEEEEEPPP down in my gut that South Africa was SUPPOSED to be number one on my list. They had asked us to give the our top two options, and maybe even a third. My list looked like this:

South Africa
Mozambique
Japan & Thailand

After I put my scrap paper that currently held all my hopes and dreams for 3 of this next 6 months, I had no fear. No anxiety. I KNEW (as much as I could) that I would go to South Africa.

Tonight (Wednesday April 20, 2011) we played a miniature version of The Amazing Race. All along the way we were connecting the dots. At one point we all squealed (YES, EVEN THE GUY!) when we realized what was happening! We RAN all across campus, slowly adding members to our team.

We ended of at a dessert soirée where we were introduced to our teams. And our leader!

My team consists of
Leader: Jonathan Zerkle (USA)
Teammates:
Jane Lee (Korea)
Kat Stahl (Germany)
Clark Grigg (USA)
Josiah Dasher (USA)
Kristina Lentz (Iceland)
Katie Abrahamson (USA)
Emily-Cosette Divito (USA)
Evelyn Sauder (Switzerland)
and ME!!! (USA)

(I Think I got the nations right, correct me if I'm wrong teammates!)

Soon I will give you guys links to follow each of our blogs!

I am honored, stoked, beyond excited to tell you all that I am going to
.
..
...
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

South Africa!

Hearing God, again?

2011-04-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

I had been warned about YWAM. I had been warned about DTS. Not bad warnings, but warnings nonetheless!

Stepping into our first day of Lecture, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I wasn’t sure if we were going to be dipping our pinky toes in the shallow end of the ‘God-pool’ or if we were going to be jumping off the high dive. The answer? C. None of the above.

The shoved us off a 40’ cliff into the ocean.

We started off with Hearing God. Now, by NO means is this concept foreign to me, I’ve heard Him speak in many ways at many different times in my life. Plus (those of you back home know) that my Dad has taught this class before, as well as a handful of others, so I’ve heard the material before. While this may not have been foreign to me, there are some people on my team that had a hard time wrapping their heads around this concept.

I can’t even begin to describe to you my giddiness to hear Him speak ‘again’. Here is the thing though; He never stopped speaking.

I stopped listening.

As I spent some time on the beach this afternoon I was having a conversation with the Lord about the activities of the morning.

It went something like this:

Me: So, God, that was REALLY AWESOME what you did today.

God: What was so awesome?

Me: Ummm… You Spoke? Remember?

God: Yeah I know that, but why is that so awesome?

Me: Because I haven’t heard You like THAT, with such clarity, in a really long time.

God: Well, why is that? I’ve never stopped speaking to you. Even when you don’t listen, I speak to you, I sing over you while you
sleep, I am your comforter and provider, I am everything you will ever need.

Me: #flabbergasted

God: I love you.

And our conversation continued into things just for me ☺

This morning was truly incredible. I realized how I had NOT been listening to Him or even FOR Him. It was really I opening, because when I sat still and listened and remember who He was (Ps 46:10) He SPOKE. To me, to my classmates, to situations, and I could not have been more blown away.

This is only the beginning, and it makes my heart RACE! I’m so thrilled to continue to hear Him and listen. I’m excited for the freedom coming for myself and my classmates. I cannot begin to express the love I have for my classmates, and the staff. What an incredible group the Lord has put together!

Aloha, from the Big Island!

2011-04-09T10:08:00.001-07:00

Aloha! :)

Sitting in the airport at LAX waiting for a teammate to show up, (at least I was when I started this!) and I thought I'd share some of the stories that even got me to this point in this journey.

This process started almost 3 years ago, and I have emails to prove it! :)

When I first started looking at YWAM and a photography program put together, I found their Germany program, which immediately peaked my interest. As I looked more intently at the program and got more serious about it I began the application process there was absolutely no peace over the process, lots of anxiety.

Over the course of two other friends YWAM adventures, I heard about PhotogenX.

One friend's mom told me about a program with YWAM where I could go in travel the world, do ministry, AND get a school degree?! Heck yes. Sign me up. But I never picked up the name of the program. Another friend went and in the course of her venture she crossed paths with a guy who was a part of the PhotogenX program. Turns out that it was the same program. Immediately began the research anew with a name for what I was actually looking at.

Multiple emails went out. Connections were made. And here I am 3 years later.

I had dawdled in the application process for this program. Probably took me a good 9 months to fill it out. Last May my mom gave me the final kick in the butt to submit the application. So I did. I was told that I would hear back on my application within 2 weeks. It took 3.

And at that point I was sure they had denied me access to the program of my dreams! But with a little bit of hope, I called the school saying "Hi, my name is Jillian. I applied for PhotogenX in April 2011, I submitted my application 3 weeks ago. I was told I would hear back in 2 weeks, and it is now week 3. Did you guys receive all the parts of my application?" They searched the computer, found me and told me that my application was still in the prayer process, but I should hear from them soon.

Four hours later I had an email accepting me to the program.

I bought a journal within the week. One of the first things that the Lord told me was that He would provide everything I asked. And He did.

Reading back in my journal now, I asked the Lord to give me $12,000 for this trip. The school only asks for 10,000 over the course of 6 months, but this did not include airfare needed to get there, additional supplies, etc. He did that.

I had also asked the Lord to provide the finances for my to be able to pay off my car, which at the time I got accepted I needed about 4,500-5,000 to do that. He has provided that need, and within the next two weeks I will have a car back on the mainland that is completely paid off! This is cool for several reasons! 1. When I purchased the car I signed a 5-year note to pay it off, and in the next two week, I will have paid it off in 1.75 years of that 5 years! 2. I asked Him to basically drop 3,000 dollars in my lap to pay it off and He did!

It's crazy that I'm here, it hasn't fully sunk in. I am SO incredibly expectant for what the Lord has for me in this time. Orientation was yesterday and I have SUCH a hunger for Him, a hunger for His words, a Hunger for His presence, and I am quite possibly in the most magical place to see all of this come to fruition.

Last night was a campus wide Luau. Represented there were 39 different nations. We watched Island Breeze perform, it was really cool! Then, oh then, we worshipped together as ohana, as family, and again I cannot even begin to tell you of the things the Lord is already doing, in me and in my teammates!

Please continue to pray for my team! Pray for health, several of us walked into this sick, pray strength physically, mentally, spiritually, pray for us to continue to come to Him with a hunger to see our hearts changed, and in the end change the world because of it! Mahalo!

Come on in...

2010-12-26T13:06:00.000-08:00

When you enter someone’s home, one of the first things you do is take a look around and get a feel for the “coziness” of a home. Sometimes it just hits you like a brick wall, and you think ‘dang. This feels like a HOME’ sometimes you walk in and you feel the chill of anxiety, harshness, etc. typically you wouldn’t hang out in the latter home.

After figuring out the ‘feel’ of the home, you start to look at the stuff. Even the simplest home is going to have stuff. For example, I’m sitting on the purple couch in my living room that has 5 throw pillows a few blankets and coffee mug sitting on the table next to me. The couch itself is sitting on a rug. On the perimeter of the rug are 3 more chairs, a love seat, and our television stand/television. On the television stand we have a Wii console, a DVD player, cable box, Wii games, DVDs, etc. The television is mounted over the fireplace with a canvas photo on either side, speakers, and decorative books.

That’s a lot of stuff for a 10x15 space! That is not even my whole house!

We tend to collect STUFF. And I am not talking ‘hobby’ collecting; I am talking things that fill a home, which we deem necessary to have, to some extent. From pillows and blankets, to books and dishes. Cloth napkins to the clothes that we wear. We INVEST in these things.

$10 for a blanket
$20 for 2 decorative pillows
$15 dollars on this frame, $30 on that one.
$100 for a set of dishes with 4 place settings.
$10 for a pretty bowl, and $2 each for each piece fake fruit you put inside.
$200 for a set of chairs that go around the $150 table.
$400 bucks for the sofa.

You get such a wide array of things at varied prices that after purchase are carefully placed in their correct place in your home. The couch is placed in the living room, and the decorative pillows on top. The table, chairs and dishes all go into the formal dining area a placed specifically to their best place of display and utility. When things get broken, or worn out what do you do with them? You either try to fix them OR your throw them away, and get rid of it.

We do the same thing with events and situations in our lives. Things happen, and feelings either become elated or disappointed. Events happen, and people enter our lives, and friendships are forged and destroyed. Some of us put a welcome mat at the entrance to our hearts and lives, welcoming people in to see what all has happened in our lives to get us to the point where we are today. Some of us have a lock on the door that a select few have access too. And there are the ones of us who are bolted, gated, locked, and chained into our own hearts not allowing anyone, or anything access to who we really are.

Once you get into the door some someone’s heart, whether a friend, significant other, spouse you start to see the stuff; where they’ve invested their time, who they cherish most, and why. You see the things that are off to the side that haven’t been so well taken care of, whether it is a relationship, an area where emotions have been neglected etc.
Each of these things is found in different compartments of our heart, different layers. Some areas are neglected, while other are nurtured and well taken care of.

All of that just to say, what are you taking care of? Are those things in the right places with the right priorities? And what are you neglecting? Are their broken things hidden in the back that needs to be addressed? What are the things that you are choosing to invest wisely in the people that you spend the most time with? Are you choosing to invest in things that benefit you and bring you life?

Just a thought.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Years :)

Just Let ME Love You

2010-07-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

Todd grinned. “I like you a lot”

“I like you a lot, too” [Christy]

“I like you more,” Todd said.

“No, I like you more.”

Todd leaned forward and with the warmest glow ever in his clear blue eyes, said, “I love you, Kilikina.”

Christy froze. She couldn’t make her lips part. She couldn’t push out the words. A single tear was all that escaped her heart and raced down her cheek.

Todd moved his chair over so that he was right next to Christy. He kept his hand in hers. With patient, gentle words he said, “You don’t have to respond, Christy. I don’t want you to feel pressured. Ever. In any way. Just let me love you, okay?” He leanaed over and kissed the tear where it clung to the edge of her jaw. “Just let me love you.”

- Excerpt from Robin Jones Gunn’s “As You Wish”

Lying in the hammock on a steep mountainside, cool breeze whistling all around me, I read this. When I finished this section I just began to cry. Just an unexplained outburst of tears ran down my face. Being self conscious I wiped my eyes and looked around, only to be reminded that I was surrounded by the sun, trees, and clouds. I laughed at myself and thought ‘what the heck?’ and just let the tears fall. I closed my eyes and began to hear the Father speak.

Just let Me love you.

As He spoke, the cool mountain breeze warmed gently and I felt as if two huge arms just embraced me. I just layed in the arms of my Daddy and wept.

Isaiah 40:11 “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart…”

As I’m processing His words in my head, I’m trying to figure out when I STOPPED letting Him love me. Or even when I LIMITED letting Him love me. The truth is tbat I can’t stop Him.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine she said “I love youuuuuuuu” and I said back sarcastically, “Just because you love me doesn’t mean I have to accept it.”

How true is that? How often to we reject the love of our Lord? We assume because things are not going our way that He doesn’t love us, or He doesn’t care for us. Which in our hearts we know that it is utterly false, but when we let our brains go for a ride, we lose sight of the truth.

All He wants is to love us, and for us to love Him in return. Even the times we don’t want to love Him, or we are mad at Him, He STILL LOVES US. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it, but when we “Just let [Him] love [us]” how much better is our life? How much more abundant and obvious are His plans for us.

He carries us close to His heart. Where we can lay and breathe in the things He has for us.

With All My Heart,

Jeremiah 29:11-14

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD

All this, just to end up here.

2010-07-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been finding myself staring down at my odometer on Trip B, where I keep track of the miles travelled each time I fill up my tank.

I fill up my tank and reset "Trip B" to zero and go from there.

Then I'll look down again, and see that I've gone 247 miles just to end up back at the gas station to start the process all over again. Or I'll look down and see I've travelled 92.6 miles just to end up in my driveway after a workout.

How many times do we do this in life? How many times do we go to church and fill ourselves up with the Word, and His love, just to travel 3 days - 7 days - 10 days - a month - before we end up back in His presence to fill up again, to fill ourselves to the point of overflowing, from overflowing to full, and from full to empty again.

What happens in those days? Those miles? What happens at the destinations where the car takes us? What happens because of the overflow of what is happening in our hearts?

Just a thought...

what are you doing with the miles in between?

100 Days

2010-06-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

My sister got engaged on January 11th, I got with a trainer on January 12, and told her I wanted to lose weight for Jenna's wedding. She gave me great advice, encouraging words, and a basic workout to get started.

On March 4, 2010 I just happened to go to the gym with my dad, then I went the next day, and the next... I thought to myself 'this feels REALLY good!'. After 4 days in a row at the gym I had an epiphany.

"I HAVE the time to be at the gym probably 95% of the time. Let's do this."

So I did!

100 days in a row.

From March 4 till June 11 (my sister's wedding day) I was in the gym everyday.

I learned a lot about myself, I learned to love myself more and more, I learned that my friends are even more awesome than I thought. So many of you guys encouraged me through this process, I've felt incredibly loved and encouraged!

Day 101 I took a break.

Day 102 I was right back in the gym!

To date (June 20, 2010) I have:

LOST: 31 pounds!

GAINED: 14 pounds of muscle!

LOST: 26.25 inches!

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME THROUGH THIS PROCESS!

This has been, and will continue to be an awesome journey!

Don't stop believing! :)

a kiss.

2010-04-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

the sweetest kiss ever.

seriously.

i didn't even recieve it.

i gave it.

a gentle hand grasped and lifted my chin and pulled me to his face. i closed my eyes and inhaled deeply the scent of a sweet baby boy as i kissed him on the nose. as i started to pull away he grasped my chin again as if he was asking for another one.

my heart melted.

i pulled away and baby sam just looked at me with content in his eyes.

i thought and dwelled on this sweet moment and God spoke to me.

He told me that it's what He does everyday. but everyday i don't always follow the gentle grasp of His hand on my chin, i don't let Him pull my eyes up.

everyday His hand takes hold of my chin in order to raise my head, my eyes, my heart, and my spirit so that i can look into His face and love Him. Look Him in the eyes and kiss His nose.

today i woke up to a hand on my chin and chose to lift my eyes, my heart, and my soul and look in the the eyes of my Savior, my Lover, my Joy, my Song, my Healer, my Friend, my God, and i chose to Love Him with my eyes on Him.

when i choose to love Him, and walk in His love and His direction he looks at me with content. His love radiates.

all this.

from a kiss.

wow.

2010-03-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

earlier I posted in twitter

"My heart is full. overwhelmed. loved. wanting. blessed. amazed. i cant even begin to explain. my God is good, gracious, & enamored with ME!!"

it is so incredibly true. I just wish there was a way that I could make everyone feel this... I want the overflow of my heart, joy, and emotions to splatter all over the people around me... I want people to know the love of the Father, I want people to feel His hand stirring within their lives and souls, I want Him to radiate through me like no one else's business... I want so much...

yet He wants it even more.

A Disease I Don't Mind Having

2009-12-15T22:46:00.000-08:00

I was hanging out with some of my girlfriends about this time last week. We were making a quick Walmart run to pick up some good, girly junk food... you know, queso and chips, salsa, sugar cookies, and hot cocoa.

With it being the month of December, our good friends, the Salvation Army ringers are outside of Targets and Walmarts across the nation. I love this time of year and getting to give, even just spare change.

So whilst I was on this mission for junk food I had some spare change in my pocket, probably about 50 cents, I very happily placed it in the bucket, and receieved the verbal thanks of the Salvation Army ringer. I proceeded inside to get my items. When I payed, I used a 20 dollar bill and recieved 6 dollars and 57 cents in change.

As I exited Walmart with my goodies in hand, I walked through a small series of two automatice doors (You know... the one's that make you feel like a Jedi :) ) and placed the 57 cents that I had just recieved into the little red bucket... The ringer standing there seemed flabbergasted (i LOVE that word!) that I would donate TWICE the small amount of change in my in my pockets. "Merry Christmas! You must have some sort of disease giving TWO times in the same night... you are crazy!"

It struck me as odd that giving about a dollar and seven cents in change would be a disease orcrazy. What kind of world do we live in that $1.07 is considered an extravagant gift or donation?!

If the world would realize that God gave the most extravagant gift humanly imaginable, HisSON. A human life... What kind of ooh-ing and awing does a gift like that deserve?

One of my prayers through my whole life has been that I would have a lot of money... Typical american, right? Lots of money, not for myself, but to bless others. To send people to Africa, Australia, Mexico, and even just buying them lunch!

I pray that my $1.07 changes that S.A. Ringer's life... maybe not with the direct benefit of having that money in his pocket, but knowing that some random girl walked in and out of Walmart and was willing to give, both coming and going.

If giving is a disease, its one I don't mind having.

Happily Ever After

2009-12-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

Happily Ever After

Breathe…breathe. She thought as her eyes caught the shadow that had stepped into the small dark room. She grabbed the old wooden barstool in order to make sure her knees would not give out.

His rich brown eyes swept the room and barely met her gaze.

She’s the one.

He thought, trying not to let his nerves get the best of him. Taking a step forward he did his best to remain cool and non-chalant.

What little light was available shattered off of old liquor bottles and champagne glasses.

She is THE one.

Just one more time to make sure he believed himself. Crossing the room now with great strides he knew his mission and he would not fail.

She tucked her long blonde hair behind her ear as she silently began to assess what was happening. Having never seen this look of determination on his face she was unsure of what to think.

Here he was.

Here she was.

Here they were.

Naturally, Sarah leaned forward to kiss her loving beau of one year, six months, five days, twelve hours, forty three minutes and nineteen seconds. But Michael, ever so gently, refused.

Taking her petite hands in his, followed by a deep, shaky breath from them both, he began to speak;

“Sarah, do you love me?”

“Yes,” she breathed, still unsure of what was going on.

His heart fluttered as he continued, silently praying and patting the small box in his pants pocket.

He continued, “I love you, too. More than you could ever imagine. Since the day I met you, four years ago, I knew you were the love of my life. The day you first held my hand, I knew I would spend the rest of our eternity together.”

Silently bending down onto one knee he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a tiny velvet cover ring box. Slowly he opened it and inside was a beautiful diamond ring.

Closing her eyes, finally she understood. Taking a deep breath and letting the butterflies inside of her take over, she opened her eyes and looked into his.

“Sarah Connor Parker, will you make me the happiest man in the world, by spending eternity with me, and becoming my wife?”

He relaxed slightly as the last word, ‘wife’, came out of his mouth.

She let the magic of the moment overwhelm her. A tear slid down her cheek as she took his face between her hands, bent over, and whispered, “yes” into his ear.

He came up to his feet again, and gave her this kiss he had denied her just two minutes earlier. This kiss was filled with so much love and tenderness, the world could have ended for both of them, right then and there.

Taking her hand he slipped the thin silver band onto her finger, turning the jewel upwards and kissing it, as a seal of approval. Leaning into her again he said, “I have another surprise for you!”

Bewildered she looked at him and with a quick “okay!” out of her mouth, he grabbed her hand and whisked her out of the dark room into the streetlight of 6^th and Oak.

The snow on the ground was mushy and wet as they trudged through it in their winter boots. Fingers intertwined, Michael breather more easily leaving the old pub than he did going in, and the rock he could now feel on her finger was the entire reason why.

Sarah slowed down, ever so slightly. She turned and looked into the face and eyes of the man she had just agreed to marry, knowing it was the right decision. Stopping, she turned to face her brand new fiancé and kissed him again.

“Where are you taking me?” she badgered him.

“It’s a secret, love,” he laughed, “if I told you what it was, where would the fun be?”

“Fine,” she muttered silently under her breath. Though I don’t think anything could top what just happened, she thought airily.

“A few more steps darling!”

They stopped in front of her old church cathedral. The only reason she recognized it in the dark was because of the long tendrils of vines wrapping around the old bricks of the terrace.

Stepping in the large doors she smelled the distant scent of peppermint. It was a scent that triggered a memory from many years ago; a memory of her parents, whom she had not seen in ten years.

Many years had been spent searching for them after they had been lost at sea. After two years had passed both parties thought the other was dead. Though neither party ever quit searching.

Michael stopped her once more just inside the doorway of the church.

“When this whole process began, I wished I could ask your father’s permission to take your hand in marriage, and try to do this the old fashioned way. So I started my own search for your parents. I wanted so badly for you to have your father walk you down the aisle on our s pecial day, so I looked even harder.”

Her breathing pace had increased again, again, not sure what was about to happen.

He continued, “I found him. I found them,”

Not sure what to say or feel or think, she merely stared at him blankly.

“Mr. and Mrs. Parker?” he called. “Would you please come out here?”

Around the corner came a man and woman in there late fifties, smelling of peppermint. As she looked at the man, she saw her eyes. As she looked at the woman, she saw her smile. It really was them. She really would get a father, her father, to walk her down the aisle. To send her off to live and love with the man who had found them, who had found her, to be together forever.

Now they could live Happily Ever After.

Papa

2009-12-10T12:56:00.001-08:00

Papa

Five years have passed since we lost Papa Jack;

Salt & pepper hair on his worn and weathered face,

Shedding tears as he left this world for a better place.

With years of laughter, joy, and pain

Gathered round to see him, no longer swain.

A ferocious battle with an unyielding foe

Left us as shattered, empty, and full of woe.

Melanoma fought; but Papa fought harder.

The stability in our family, heroic crusader,

Leaving a legacy of strength and grace,

Remembering his love when remembering his embrace.

One thing I wish? That he would come back.

©JillianHamp 2009

Love of a Lifetime

2009-12-10T12:54:00.000-08:00

Years had escaped since we first met.

Sixty years gone and sixty more coming

Since our hearts had intertwined.

Of spending my life with her

My One True love, my forever

My joy and my song

Asking forever for my hand,

Accepting a proposal to last forever.

My eyes sparkled, dancing with light

Her eyes shown bright like diamonds

‘Yes!’ I yelled emphatically,

She said yes to forever

Forever and ever, until the end.

White flowers decorate our aisle;

Wedding bells sang gloriously

Sun shone brightly

and now wrinkles multiply with age,

Wrinkles that equal memories.

My Darling, My forever Lover

My Angel, Mi amor.

Epiphany | My Match

2009-12-07T22:40:00.001-08:00

So a few weeks ago I had this epiphany... and, to me it was really revelatory and awesome.

I was driving down the road praying for my future spouse, praying for his characteristics, his quirks, his loves, his passions. Praying qualities for him that I see from other men in my life. I remember thinking, 'God, I really wish I could just marry this one particular guy' and the second I thought that I had this flash, this epiphany of why I CAN'T marry him.

God has a call on my life that is super specific to me and my hearts desires. and looking at this guy, God has a call on his life that is specific to him, and his hearts desires. That call, those desires, are SO different from each other, that we could never be the people we were called to be if we decided to spend forever together. We didn't match.

So now, I find myself praying for my match, for my partner, for my alignment with what has been ordained for my destiny.

And it makes me really excited.

Now, being 21 years old, I am in no hurry to run off and get married, but I've been around my fair share of wedding, boyfriend/girlfriends this year that it definitely keeps the embers burning.

I'm watching my baby sister fall in love... I've photographed many weddings, attended weddings as an onlooker, and still look forward to finding my match

He knows the plans he has for ME!!

2009-09-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

I ALWAYS thought this verse was lame. I mean, it cool, but everyone was using it, and it seemed so cliche to me... it was used way too much. I have never been able to really claim this verse, and believe it for myself.

Until today.

I've got some really cool opportunities coming to me in my life right now. I'm involved in this awesome cause called Stop Child Trafficking Now. (sctnow.org) I've been asked to be a feature artist for an event that will raise funds in order to save the lives of thousands of women and children worldwide. The feature piece is going to be amazing, and I can't wait to tell you more about it.

I'm also looking at some awesome options for school. I'm looking at going to YWAM. And there is a chance that I can do both, together.

As I have researched my education options, it seems like everything from this end has pretty much fallen into place.

So as I am researching, I hear my self thinking "'I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you, and not to harm you.'"

Now it clicks.

I get it now.

I mean

REALLY

get it.

I can claim it as my own. It holds meaning, and a gigantic promise that He has made to me.

I'm so excited about life.

SO EXCITED!

What'd He do now?

2009-05-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, I know its been a while since I've posted here, I've been posting on my photography website, jillianhamp.com, but this post isn't as professional as I would like to keep that space... So here I am now!

_________________________________________________________________

You know you have those friends in life that just have that "personality"... The one who is always making dumb jokes or doing stupid stunts? Then later when you're hanging out with other people and you start to say, "Oh, did you hear what Bobby Joe did yesterday?" and your friends all roll their eyes and say "Oh no! What'd he do now?"

Well, I've had several "what'd He do now" experiences in the last few weeks!

My brand new (to me) car had been giving me some issues with the A/C, and we all know that a Texas Summer, means that something like the A/C needs to get fixed A.S.A.P!! So I took it to our family garage down the street, in my mind I'm thinking, 'eh, at the most it will only be a few hundred dollars, 4 -- 5 hundred tops. I can do that... not much else but I can get it taken care of'. Well, boy was I wrong...

I took the car in thinking I would have the freon charged and that it would be fixed, no problemo! Well, they looked it over and told me that they believed it was an electrical problem traced back to the computer, but our garage did not do work on Subarus... crap... so we take it to the local Subaru dealership, they look "Edward" over... (haha, I'll tell that story in a minute...) and give me a call, they tell me that they found there was no coolant in my radiator, so the cars A/C would turn off to keep the radiator and the entire car from overheating...

I'm thinking "okay, Awesome! just put some coolant in it and we'll call it fixed!"

They continue to tell me that it is "in my best interest" to let them tear apart my *brand new* engine to make sure there was no damage to the radiator, gaskets, and a couple other parts... I ask how much that will cost and they tell me, $800-900 just for the tear down, that didn't include if they happened to find something wrong... So I don't authorize the work, and I call a mechanic close to our family and ask his advice for my situation... He gives it to me and tells me they're trustworthy, and I should probably listen to what they're saying... I ask what a radiator will cost since they tell me I may need a new one of those too...

He tells me... and I start to bawl. All together would have cost me $1,500 to get it fixed up. Pardon my 'language' but... eff... I don't have that kind of money... who does?!

I ask my parents what they thought I should do.

I end up picking up my car from the dealership and they tell me they went ahead and put some coolant in the radiator, but they don't know if that will help my problem... I pay my $100 for the diagnostics they ran get in my car and leave...

I step into my car not expecting my A/C to work longer than 5 minutes... that's all it ever did for me before... I hit minute 6 of the 30 I have to get home and I'm giddy... minute seven.... minute eight... minute nine... minute ten... OH MY GOSH! MY A/C IS WORKING!!! All the way home, THIRTY TWO MINUTES! wow...

The whole way home I'm thinking 'wow! My God is so Good! He has taken care of me! He has provided for me! Look what He did this time!'

*** "Edward" --- Jenna called my car Edward after I got home from the A/C making me so cold I had to turn in pretty much off... Edward like the vampire... Edward Cullen from Twilight... because his skin is like Ice... yeah...***

"Once upon a time..."

2009-01-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

(This is a story I'm working on, its not finished, but I thought I'd throw it out there :) enjoy!)

It was cold today, and my layers of shirts, a sweater, a jacket and a scarf were evidence to that. Despite the cool breeze I could feel penetrating my jeans, all I could think about was when I would get to see and talk to him.
Three days earlier we had talked on the phone, and he made mention to wanting to catch up on where each of our lives had ventured to since the last time we had talked, and I was more than looking forward to when that time would roll around. My heart raced when he mentioned this weekend.
I let my mind wander the possibilities of what this small encounter could entail! Maybe coffee? Or lunch? Oh, both sounded very nice! (For more reasons than food or a warm beverage.)
While my mind wandered I heard him mention church this weekend that he and several of my other friends would be attending. We would find some alone time in there to catch up.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that I was a little disappointed in the location that he chose, but nonetheless, he would be there. And he was looking forward to seeing me.
Fast forward three days, and we are back to the many layers of clothing attempting to protect me from the brutality of the freezing cold breeze whipping around my group of friends in the auditorium at church. I was in a slight rush since I was trying to escape the throngs of people all around in order to get back to my paying job upstairs.
I lollygagged to give him a chance to find me in the crowd. I did not think that it was working, and then I felt two arms wrap around my shoulders and give me a squeeze. When I turned my head I expected to see one of my girlfriends who I hadn’t yet talked to. So I’m sure that you can imagine my shock when I turned and saw his face.
My face didn’t really have time to cooperate with what was heart started to feel, and that is probably a good thing. When I looked into his eyes I felt giant butterflies well up inside of my stomach. I knew I had to play it cool or he would think I was a weirdo. His, more than obvious, sign of affection was not typical for his personality. He was, and still is, a high-five, awkward-side-hug-giving friend. Not a sneak-up-behind-you and give-you-a-warm-embrace kind of guy.
My mind began to swirl with questions. Did that really just happen? Does he like me? Is he just in a really good mood? What was he thinking when he did that?
And while the questions continued to fill my mind, I thought to myself, “Whatever it was, whatever it may mean to him, I know that in the aspect of friendship, he enjoys me, and maybe one day I will mean more to him than that.

Baby Steps.

2009-01-20T22:16:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited! I took my first piano lesson EVER on Monday, January 19 2009. I'm 20.5 years old and am just now taking baby steps to do something I love, or should I say, long to love.

One of my loves in life is to use my hands. I used my hands to take photos, I use them to write and type and love and be loved. And now I get to use them to make beautiful music. While I would more than love the 1 in 1,000,000 chance that I could be a prodigy and just sit down at the piano keys and just know how to play, and not just know, but feel, and be able to to play a beautiful lullaby, or sit down and write a symphony detailing the story of two lovers, I can tell you now that that didn't happen.

I've sat down and "tickled the ivories" for years, but it was more like poking. There was no beautiful melody leaking from my hands onto the keys, it was plinking out a tuneless melody, and that is the only thing it would ever be, until I took the initiative to learn it properly.

My head always said, "You're too old to start taking piano lessons now, why bother?" and for a while I let myself believe that, all the while plinking a melody that made no sense. I thought about it and prayed about it and heard the Lord say, "Baby Steps." In an instance I knew He was right. (isn't He always). Baby steps, one foot in front of the other, one lesson at a time, one week at a time, and countless hours of practice, but a baby doesn't always stay a baby, with time, they grow. And baby steps become toddlers steps, that become kid steps, that become preteen steps, that become teenage steps, that become adult steps.

No matter what you do, you almost always start with baby steps. I'm looking forward to the journey, the music, and the love that I know these steps will bring me.

peace to you

jillian

Hi

2009-01-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hi, and welcome to my blog! I'm new to the world of blogging, but I look forward to sharing some photos and prose with you, as well as some updates of day to day frenzy's that go on!! Until next time!